Five Reasons for Losing Ambition

I just spent the past 20 minutes looking at old designs and artwork that I created between 1998 and 2005 and the first question that came into my mind was, "what happened to my ambition?"

In that period of time I must have changed the design of my website every other month, always experimenting, trying new ideas out, seeing what worked, what didn't work. I had an unlimited amount of time, energy, ambition, and my passion was seemingly endless. But things are a lot different today. Today, I am tired. I lack energy, and the only real motivation is to get stuff done so that I don't have to worry about it anymore. The money doesn't really motivate much anymore. That is perhaps the worst thing that could happen to an artist.

Here are five initial thoughts as to why I think I am in this place of discouragement:

1) Somewhere along the journey from passionate amateur to cynical professional, I let fear enter my creative process. What if this doesn't work? What are people going to think? I began to think too much about my audience and what their expectations were. I worried too much that something wouldn't be accepted because it wasn't perfect. I believed the lie of perfectionism and anything less than that was cause for reprimand, unsatisfied clients, bad grades, and less satisfaction. No longer was I able to learn from my mistakes, because I wasn't going to put anything out that was filled with mistakes. That sentence makes me laugh, sigh, and feel sad all at the same time.

2) I lost my desire to experiment with new ideas and learn new techniques. I would tell myself, and sadly still do, that there is no time for experimenting, because time is money, and my clients need there stuff done now. But if I was to take that mindset and really analyze it, eventually I would run out of ideas, energy and passion, just from the number of projects I have done in this decade. Without experimenting and trying new things, how do I ever expect to grow not only my in my abilities, but in the collection of ideas, techniques and confidence in what I can do?

3) I would give up on an idea in the middle of pre-production if I felt that I couldn't get it right in that very same day. Lie #3: "The only worthy idea is one that can be easily created in one day, on the spot." LIES! I am one guy, not a studio of 20, 30, 5, 100, 1,000. One guy. I'm not superman. I'm not Wonder Woman, Batman, or even Spiderman. I'm not a hero or a villain, I'm just one normal guy that loves art. Why don't I live that way?

4) I gave up thinking that I had anything worthwhile to say. So, what am I doing being an artist if I believe that I have nothing worthwhile to say. That is really the best question for me to consider right now. Answer: I can't imagine what else I would do, I love art and creativity, and I have just lost my way right now.

5) I bought all the equipment that I said that I would ever need to create works of art, only to keep looking at what everyone else was doing and told myself that I would never be able to do what they do. Thus, lusting after the bigger and better equipment that would put me in the realm of being able to successfully accomplish what others were able to accomplish.

I am saying all this right now because it is all a part of my life change. I am putting my life on a slide and looking at it through a microscope. So far, what I see, is exactly what I have told myself is not there, and it is time to stop believing in the lies that have gotten me far from the truth, and the freedom that ultimately comes from truth.

The truth is that no matter how perfect I think I can be, all I am is a wretch, corrupt to the core of my being, in need of mercy and grace. Thank God for His graciousness and His faithfulness.

In the words of Delirious, "investigate my life and make me clean."